I’m back to factory settings .

I’m an angry and negative adult .

But there was once a time I was interested in growing up .

I also used to be interested in older men as a 7 years old girl . No , not in that way . I was interested in the first man I ever knew. My Dad .

I like to call this stage the

🌸curious stage .

I was eager to know how to make him smile . His favorite meal . What time he came back from work . What did he do for work . Why did he only ever look at my assignment and not me . Why does he leave early and come back late . What can I do to make him smile . What would I do in future to make him proud .How long does he take at work . Why doesn’t he ever hold my hand or hug me . What makes him sad ( cause he always kept a neutral face) . Would holding my hands make him okay . Why does he only stay in the room . Why I wasn’t a child he looked at .

Then came the 🌸adapting phase .

When I first wondered ‘ What exactly was his problem’ . So I asked my mum why my dad doesn’t like me . She said “ He likes you the most . He doesn’t want you spoilt , so he’s hard on you “.

That made so much sense . That’s when I first defined love . Anyone who loves you would be hard on you and discipline you . Which is also why even as a gentle child i always got beaten by male teachers most especially. I would make sure to get into trouble to make sure I was beaten at least 3 times in a week . If he hits me with his cane , he loves me and is making sure I’m not spoilt . If he talks down on me most in the class , it means he loves me most . And if I wasn’t getting loved by my dads then my teacher maybe ? .That’s what love was so it was okay . Love tested you and in return you learn to accept tests and prove yourself every time . Ohhh, I did get the love I wanted, the beatings, the punishment and the tears . I was so loved .

Then came the🌸 intentional phase

By 16, I already had a pattern in the men i was attracted to . I wanted the tuff ones , the guy who looked like they could teach me a couple of lessons . Guys who bruised my hands a little too hard when I made a mistake . That’s what turned me on . That’s what kept the fire in me burning. I liked it a bit too much .

Not that I care about judging eyes but I didn’t date gentle guys . No matter what I said or did , nothing riled them up. They didn’t pick fights with me and strangely enough, I didn’t find peace in them . I didn’t find peace in how soft spoken they were . I didn’t like how softly they looked at me when I was spiraling even when I instigated things . ‘ Hit me !’ ‘ Ignore me’ , ‘ Let me beg you for love ‘ , those were all what I wanted and he wasn’t going to give it to me .

  I knew he didn’t have it in him and I proved it on the day i soaked his play station in water because he couldn’t shout at me during an argument. I wanted to see him love me the only way I knew what love was . I liked him but I had a fire in me that needed to keep burning and he couldn’t bring himself to fuel me . So I broke up with him without being able to tell him the real reason . I already knew something was wrong with me . I was ashamed to tell him what damaged thoughts ran through my mind .

So , I dated another guy . Just my type. He knew how to love me the only way I wanted to be loved . Only he loved me a bit too much or so I thought . His hits were like none I’d ever felt . He handled me like he wanted me gone . Not to kill me , no . He didn’t even want a fire burning, he wanted an empty shell. He knew I liked it and for some reason it annoyed him. He didn’t want that . He wanted me to hate it and become a hollow shell.

My father might have raised a damaged kid but he didn’t raise a bitch that ran at any inconvenience.

For a long time , people I met always told me I had a way of getting under their skin. And not in a good way . In a way that made them insecure, hate themselves and feel small.

So I traumatized him before he could traumatize me . I used his insecurities against him. Ohhh, it ate him up from inside. I saw him question his confidence and feel so small in the world. I left him to rot there .

Then came the 🌸Angry phase

When I  take the train back from work , I’m normally on my phone , minding my business . Only that this day there was a  little girl could not be older than 5 on her dad’s lap giggling as they whispered into each other’s ear. What was she telling a man that obviously looks stressed from work that made him laugh ? . And I thought of my childhood . Late night waiting for him to come back to shout at me . Breaking my paint brushes because he wasn’t going to raise an artist . Leaving me to his younger sister who should have never been around children. Believing other people’s children than me ( it was always my fault )

Then on TikTok these days , I see little girls with their dads . These dads take them to recital , have tea party with them but I felt like it was only content. After all the internet is not a real place.

These days , I see love between fathers and daughters. I know one person that her father has never hit her before and they talk like friends.I see men that hug their daughters. I see men that teach their daughters how to ride bikes . That hug them after a long day at work . That kiss their little heads even when they make a mistake. That celebrate their birthday paying attention to every gift that they know they would like . That buys  them gifts even when there’s nothing special happening. That dont hit them in a quest for love . That’s when it hit me , these kids aren’t competing for their dad’s love and it’s not even that complicated. These kids are loved .

Now I’m back to factory setting . My mind is like a newborn’s. It’s clear and at the curious phase . I’m wondering what love is . Was it that hard for my dad ?. Was that difficult to love ? .I’ve stopped dating too . I’m not an animal that needs to be shouted at and hit to feel loved . I’m trying to redefine love to myself . Slow. But I’m getting there.